When the nice aliens said, "You must learn/meet/understand/indulge in/experience or enjoy X in order to obtain Y," where Y was equal to supplies or food or a ZPM, X almost always equaled something...not good.

Today's X was a drink that tasted like guava and twelve hours of enforced team togetherness time. Y was a shipment of food that contained something not entirely dissimilar to coffee.

The nice aliens declined to describe the effects of X=guava; instead, they herded Sheppard, McKay, Lorne and Parrish into a nicely appointed room and left them there.

"Parrish," Rodney said, snapping his fingers. "What was in that drink?"

Parrish looked up from where he was poking at a potted plant. "Guava nectar, honey, something not botanical."

"See," Rodney said. "That's always the problem, the stuff that's not botanical. It always turns out to be poison or alien roofies."

Lorne looked at Sheppard and mouthed "alien roofies?" Sheppard shrugged. No way was he telling Lorne just how many times they'd been slipped alien roofies.

"There are plenty of botanical compounds that can be classified as poisons or disinhibitors," Parrish said mildly.

"Disinhibitors?" Lorne said.

Parrish grinned at him. "Roofies."

"But naturally-occurring, non-alien roofies." Rodney crossed his arms over his chest. "See that's why we brought you here - botany. More specifically, coffee-related botany. The roofie-related botany is just a bonus."

"Next person who says 'roofies' is getting smacked." John slumped down into the corner of one of the big, fluffy, armless, sofa-esque things.

"He gets cranky when the aliens make us do it," Rodney said, and then slapped his hand over his mouth.

"Rodney," Sheppard growled.

Rodney pulled his hand away from his mouth. "But you do; you hate it."

This time, Sheppard stood and slapped his hand over Rodney's mouth. He glanced around at Lorne. "Major," he said. "What McKay is trying to say is that..."

Parrish broke in. "It's okay, Colonel - Nick knows you're sleeping with McKay." He then slapped his hand over his mouth, his eyes going wide.

"David!" Lorne yelled, his eyes going wide.

"Oh, shit!" McKay yelled, pulling away from Sheppard's hand. "Truth-roofies! Nobody speak!"

They all stared at each other for a few minutes.

"Look, we're in here for twelve hours," Sheppard said. "We can't not speak for that whole time."

Rodney's eyes eloquently said oh, hell yes they could.

Parrish eyed McKay. "Okay, scientists here. Let's figure it out. McKay, how old were you when you lost your virginity?"

Rodney flushed, then stuck out his chin belligerently. "Eighteen."

"Twenty-two," Sheppard said. "FermiLab."

Rodney shot him a poisonous glare.

"No, no," Parrish said, waving a hand. "I don't actually care. Look, you were able to lie about yourself, but the Colonel couldn't lie about you."

They all took a long moment to contemplate exactly how fucked up that concept was.

Rodney snapped his fingers. "Repeatability."

Lorne looked directly at Sheppard. "Kinsey?"

"Zero," Sheppard said smoothly. Everyone turned to look at Rodney, who had his hand over his mouth and was practically turning blue in an effort not to talk. Instead, his free hand rose, four fingers extended. Sheppard threw himself at Rodney and pinned the hand to his side.

"This is not good," Parrish said.

Rodney turned to Lorne. "What's he growing in greenhouse eleven, way in the back?"

"Coffee and pot." Lorne looked a little sick to his stomach, and he got incrementally greener when Parrish leveled a look at him that could probably have stopped his heart.

Sheppard pointed at Parrish. "Which you'll be sharing, right?"

"The pot you brought from Earth isn't good enough for you anymore?" Rodney looked mortified as soon as the words left his mouth, and Sheppard's head snapped around to him hard enough to court whiplash.

Without looking away from Rodney, Sheppard spoke over his shoulder in a crisp voice. "Lorne, which storage room?"

"Level three, number twelve," Parrish answered, followed by the sound of Lorne's hand smacking into his own forehead.

"Okay," Sheppard said quietly. "Enough. Why don't we all sit down and not ask questions, okay? McKay, why don't you look around and see if you can find us something very, very alcoholic, hm?"

McKay looked. McKay found. McKay distributed. It was remarkably like very good tequila.

"If we're going to tell the truth, then we might as well be drunk," Sheppard said, clinking his shot glass against Lorne's.

"Yes, sir," Lorne replied grimly, tossing back his shot.

Parrish leaned slightly against Rodney, where they were both sitting on the floor, their backs to the sofa. "I find that 'sir' thing disturbingly hot."

McKay nodded and lifted his glass in salute. "To our utter perversion."

"So," Sheppard said, pointing to Lorne and waving his finger back and forth between him and Parrish.

"Yeah," Lorne sighed.

"It's totally your fault," Parrish said, sitting up straighter. "Both of you." He gave McKay a look. "If you hadn't had phone sex on the catwalk, we probably would have never gotten together."

Rodney's eyes went big. "That was supposed to be a private frequency!"

"Yeah, not so much," Lorne said, refilling his glass. Sheppard and McKay both held theirs out, so he refilled them and handed the bottle to Parrish, who refilled his own.

"That was hot," Lorne said, and all the others nodded.

"He's kinky," Sheppard said, inclining his head toward Rodney. "Really...um..."

"Toppy?" Lorne supplied. Sheppard flushed and ducked his head, but he didn't deny it.

"You like it," Rodney said quietly. Sheppard nodded, looking kind of miserable. "You're not supposed to know," Rodney said to Lorne.

Lorne exchanged a look with Parrish, then leaned forward. "What happens on the Planet of the Truth Roofies stays on the Planet of the Truth Roofies?"

Sheppard raised his head and looked at Rodney, who nodded. He turned his head back toward Lorne and nodded again, then fisted his hand in Lorne's BDU jacket and kissed him.

"Foursome?" Parrish asked McKay.

"Oh, yeah," Rodney said.

Parrish gave him a crooked smile, then reached for his pack, which had been dumped with the others at the side of the room. He reached into a pocket and threw a handful of condoms, a small bottle of lube and an Altoids tin into the center of the rough circle they were arranged in. Sheppard and Lorne stopped kissing, and settled back down into their places.

Parrish opened the Altoids tin and pulled out a joint and a lighter.

"Greenhouse eleven?" Rodney asked.

Lorne grinned. "Greenhouse six; it was planted much earlier."

"Never knew you were so interested in botany, Lorne," Sheppard drawled.

Rodney took the joint from Parrish and sucked in a lungful of smoke before passing it to John. He let his breath out slowly. "If we're gonna fuck, shouldn't we use first names?"

Lorne nodded, and Rodney looked at him. "I don't think I even know your first name."

"Nick," Parrish said, because Lorne was occupied with the spliff. The joint traveled the circle a couple more times, followed by the bottle of not!tequila. Mellowness descended.

Rodney kicked John's foot. "You should kiss him again," he said, inclining his head toward Lorne.

Parrish - David - nodded and bumped shoulders with Rodney. "Yes, please," he said, dropping one long-fingered hand to Rodney's thigh.

John crushed the tiny remainder of the joint against the sole of his boot, then knee-walked over to Nick, straddling his lap. He threaded his hand into Nick's hair and pulled him up into a rough kiss. When Nick moaned, a deep, rumbling sound, David's hand clutched down on Rodney's thigh. Rodney casually reached over and slipped his own hand between David's legs, giving his hard cock a squeeze. David's higher-pitched moan played counterpoint to Nick's.

Rodney and David both watched avidly as John devoured Nick's mouth while Nick brought his hands up to roughly squeeze John's ass. "Look at that ass," Rodney said, still squeezing David's cock through his pants. "He likes anything to do with it - fingers, fucking, rimming, spanking. He sucks cock like a pro, too."

"God, rimming," David moaned, his eyes rolling back in his head.

"I can do that," Rodney said, "but etiquette dictates that we should at least kiss before I shove my tongue up your ass."

David leaned over to touch their lips together, and Rodney half-turned to meet him in the middle. The tentative kiss morphed into something wilder, wetter, and David pulled himself back, panting sharply.

"Clothes off," Rodney said to the room at large, and everyone started stripping, uniforms flying in all directions; tac vests and thigh holsters and combat boots. As soon as David was bare, Rodney pushed him over the couch and nudged his legs apart with one knee. He looked up to see Nick and John staring at him. "As you were," he snapped.

He watched long enough to see John resume his position over Nick and start kissing again, then put his hand on the center of David's back to push him flat against the seat of the sofa. "Stay down," he said. He moved both hands to David's ass, stroking gently before sliding his thumbs into the cleft, then licked a line between them.

"Oh, god," David moaned. "Oh, god!" He moaned louder when Rodney flicked and pressed with his tongue.

Rodney looked up to see John and Nick once again staring at him. "Jesus," he snapped, "do I have to do everything?" He patted David on the hip. "What does Nick like?"

David choked off a moan, like he was trying not to answer. "Getting fucked. He likes getting fucked. And dirty talk."

"Excellent," Rodney said. "You have your marching orders, Colonel. Fuck him." He leaned back down toward David's ass, then brought his head up again. "Bring him over here - that way, they can kiss and I can do the dirty talk part. You're not particularly good at it."

John and Nick did as they were told, with John snagging the lube and a condom on the way. "How are you going to talk dirty with your tongue in David's ass?" John asked.

"Well, if you take your time, I'll make him come, then I can talk. While he's resting, I'll fuck your ass while you're fucking Nick's."

"I fully support that position," David gasped, reaching for Nick, who draped himself over the sofa and pulled David's head toward him for a long kiss.

John got the lube open and slicked his fingers, reaching toward Nick.

"No," Rodney said. "Do yourself first." That got long moans from both John and Nick, and then David, who groaned into Nick's mouth as Rodney dove back in.

True to his word, McKay made David come while Sheppard still had two fingers in his own ass. He left David sprawled bonelessly over the couch, then settled himself behind John. "Work on Nick," he said. "I'll take care of you."

"You always do," John said, smiling at Rodney, who cupped his neck and pulled him in for a quick kiss.

Pulling back, Rodney slapped John's ass. "Let's do this," he said. He took the lube from John and wet his fingers, sliding two inside at the same time, watching over John's shoulder as he did the same to Nick. Nick's moans got sharper when David scooted closer and reached down to stroke his cock lazily.

"Nice," Rodney said approvingly. "John, you good?"

"God, yeah," Sheppard moaned, and Rodney watched as he pushed a third finger into Nick's ass.

"David," Rodney said, pulling his fingers out and lining his cock up. "Get a condom so my hyper-bottom military boyfriend can fuck your hyper-bottom military boyfriend."

John and Nick both gave a half-hearted "Hey!" but they were soundly ignored.

Rodney slid all the way into John and held still, waiting for David to do as he'd been told. Once they were ready, Rodney pushed forward as David guided John's cock to Nick's ass.

"Oh, yeah," Rodney said as they began to move together, finding a slow, easy rhythm.

"You should see his face," David said, awe coloring his tone as he looked at Sheppard. "He's loving this."

"No kidding," Rodney said. "The only way he'd like it better is if he had a cock in his mouth, but I don't think you're that bendy. You could probably suck Nick's cock, though. No use letting you go to waste as a spectator."

"Yeah..." John grunted. "McKay's all...about...the allocation...of...resources."

Rodney fucked him harder and John trailed off into low, needy moans. Nick's voice came up in counterpoint as David wedged himself against the bottom of the couch and started sucking him. Rodney reached around and put his hands on Nick's hips, powering into John, sending him shoving into Nick.

"This works," he said, picking up the pace. "It's like I'm fucking Nick. Like you're not even there, John. I'm just moving through you - you don't even have to be involved. All you have to do is hang there and take it. God, I bet that's turning you on like crazy, you kinky bastard."

"Fuck," John groaned, his head falling back onto Rodney's shoulder limply. "Jesus."

Nick started making short, sharp sounds, and David's hand came up to squeeze Rodney's balls, making him speed up even further. John's voice cracked on a particularly heartfelt moan. Nick froze in place, coming hard in David's mouth, and his orgasm set off John's, whose set off Rodney's.

Rodney caught his breath and eased himself back, taking John with him, keeping his cock inside, John practically in his lap. They both watched as Nick slumped down over David's prone body and jerked him off, the two men landing in a sticky, sweaty, panting heap at the foot of the sofa.

Rodney found a discarded shirt and wiped himself and John off, tossing the used condom to the side before pulling them both up onto another sofa and into a reasonably comfortable position.

"That was pretty fun," Rodney said, reaching for the Altoids tin.

Nick lifted his head and smiled the smile of the well-fucked. "That right there," he said, petting David's face, "is the truth."

*What is located 2.7 miles from Williamsburg, New Mexico? Truth or Consequences, New Mexico.

Aaaaaaaand that is officially the worst pun in fandom. *takes a bow*