Ficbit One

Lemme set the scene:

John, Rodney, Ronon, Radek and Elizabeth would be sitting at a couple of tables they'd pulled together, complaining about their jobs. John works at the Naturalizer shoe store; Rodney works the Guest Services booth - he's been fired from almost every other job at the mall. Radek works at Wolf Camera and is frequently horrified by the naked photos he has to develop; Ronon works at Dairy Queen. Elizabeth does those stupid surveys, where she lies in wait at the bottom of the escalator and jumps unsuspecting mall patrons when they come down. She hates the job but is very good at charming people into taking the stupid surveys.

Teyla works at the accessories store. She comes a little late to lunch, bringing a new girl with her...

"You're late," Rodney snaps. "I got you a salad even though you're a crappy, late friend." He pushes the plastic box and three packets of dressing (one ranch and two honey mustard) at her.

"Thank you, Rodney," Teyla says. "I'm sorry I'm late." She gestures to the slender girl behind her. "This is Jenny; she works at Brooks Brothers." Jenny smiles and gives a little wave as she and Teyla sit down.

"Brooks Brothers, huh?" Radek says.

John looks up from where he's stealing Rodney's chips. "Oh, so you took Carson's..."

Jenny cuts him off, holding up a hand. "Don't," she says. "That's all I've been hearing today - how great Carson was and how I'll never fill his shoes..."

John pushes his fries toward her in reconciliation. "Of course not," he says. "Carson was an 11. You're a 6 and a half."

"That's right," Jenny says, bemused.

Rodney snares a few of John's fries. "Oh, yeah," he says. "John knows his feet."

Radek grimaces. "Can we not talk about feet?" he asks, shuddering. "The pudding feet guy was in today. I just know I'll have to develop them after lunch."

"Pudding..." Jenny starts.

"Don't." Ronon says. "Pudding feet guy is bizarre."

Teyla swallows the bite of salad in her mouth. "He's better than the phallic vegetable woman."

John sets down his chicken sandwich (which Rodney immediately picks up and takes a bite of). "Oh, you had to bring up the vegetables. Good thing I haven't eaten one in about a year."

"Potatoes are vegetables," Ronon says.

[spirited debate regarding whether potatoes are a vegetable or a starch; everyone pushes food on Jenny, who nibbles]

"Crap," John says, looking at his watch. "I gotta get back."

Two days later

"How's it goin'?" Radek takes a bite out of his burrito.

Jenny sighs. "All of the customers keep comparing me to Carson. They pine for him. I just want to tell them to go to Snooty mall and see him - he's the Assistant Manager there, after all." She stuffs a forkful of MooGooGaiPan into her mouth.

Radek makes sympathetic noises.

"How's it goin'?" John says, putting a Styrofoam box down.

Jenny sighs again. "People," she says.

"I hear ya." John cracks open the box to reveal a tuna melt.

"You better brush your teeth after that," Rodney says, sitting down with a latte and huge piece of chocolate cake. Rodney helps himself to half of John's sandwich. "The brittle ladies won't like you if you have fish breath."

Jenny snorts. "The brittle ladies love John. They come over to buy over-priced suits and talk about how nice that boy at Naturalizer is, and how attractive. They think it's a shame that you spend half your time mooning over that obnoxious boy at the Information Desk."

"I do not moon," John says, ducking his head.

"It's Guest Services," Rodney says, but he looks pleased.

Ronon drops into his seat, another hot dog in his Dairy Queen bag. "Boss is taking lunch at 3:00," he says.

Rodney talks through a mouthful of cake. "Mmmmm, free Blizzards," he says.

[discussion of free Blizzards and how much they miss Ford, who disappeared one day, leaving them high and dry on the free hushpuppies he used to bring from his job at Long John Silver's]

after closing that night in John's crappy car

"Apparently," Rodney says, kissing John's neck. "You moon over me."

"Oh, shut up," John says. "If you'll drop it, I'll blow you."

Rodney pulls back and grabs John by the back of the neck, pushing him down in a really unsubtle way. "Consider it dropped," he moans as John unzips his pants.

a couple of days later at the lunch table

Elizabeth dashes up, late again. She plunks a bag of cookies onto the table. "I know, I know," she says. "But I got ten surveys yesterday! I get a $25 bonus!"

"Awesome," Rodney says, picking a double chocolate chip cookie out of the bag.

"You rock," John adds. "I wish I was on commission."

"God, you'd make a billion dollars," Jenny says.

Radek chimes in. "I'm surprised the brittle ladies don't tip you. Now, me - I should get combat pay."

"Pudding guy?" Ronon asks, halfway through his hot dog.

"Worse." Radek shudders.

"Phallic vegetables?" Teyla asks sympathetically.

Radek drops his head to the table. "New customer," he moans. "I have two words for you: naughty schoolgirl."

Elizabeth and Jenny both pat him on the back.

Later

"This is a public restroom!" John sounds scandalized.

Rodney looks back over his shoulder. "Oh, for god's sake, John. You've fucked me in this very bathroom before."

"That was after closing," John hisses. "It's 6:00 pm!"

Rodney reaches back and grabs John's hip, pulling him closer. "Shut up and fuck; I'm on a fifteen-minute break, here."

John fucks.

authorial pause

authorial head-shake

Well, it made for a relaxing lunch break anyway.

Ficbit Two, complete with title musings

So, more fun from the mall...

"I have to leave Dairy Queen," Ronon announces glumly, setting his lunch bag onto the table and slumping into a seat.

"What?" Rodney yelps. "Where will we get our free Blizzards now?"

Ronon glares at him, and Rodney jumps when John kicks him under the table. "I mean, why? What's going on? I'm very sympathetic and concerned, here."

"The Health Inspector was in today." Ronon toys with the top of his bag but doesn't open it.

"I though your boss always made sure to send you away when that guy came in?" Teyla frowns.

"Surprise visit," Ronon grunts. "He saw the dreds and freaked. I may have to leave food service altogether."

John reaches for the Dairy Queen bag just to make Ronon growl. In a falsetto voice he says, "Oh, where shall I go? What shall I do?"

"I coulda been somebody," Rodney cries, shaking his fist at the glass panels of the atrium's ceiling. "I coulda worked at Container Store."

John rolls his eyes. "This mall doesn't even have a Container Store, Rodney."

Ronon smiles and opens his lunch bag, sliding one of his boxes of fries across the table to Rodney and John.

"It is November 15th," Teyla says tightly, her hands on her hips, "and I am already earwormed with 'Have a Holly Jolly Christmas.'"

The others slap their hands over their ears. "Crap!" Rodney shouts. "Burl Ives has got me. Quick, someone sing 'We Built This City' or something."

John kicks him under the table. "Goddamnit, Rodney!" but it's too late and he starts humming 'We Built This City" under his breath. Teyla sits and drops her head into her hands and moans.

It's almost 1:00 am and they're all sitting on the deep ledge beneath the bank's plate glass window. Several of them have their eyes closed, John and Rodney are leaning together, and Jenny watches the occasional car go by on TreePeach Street with glassy eyes.

"Black Friday," Radek groans.

Ronon tips his head back against the window with a dull thud. "I miss Dairy Queen," he says flatly. "This cell phone kiosk shit is for the birds."

Rodney kisses John's hair, just above his ear. "Did you hear all those stupid questions those morons asked me today?"

Ronon sighs. One disadvantage of working the cell phone kiosk is that it's very close to the Guest Services booth.

"Feet," John moans weakly. "BOGO.*"

Elizabeth is smiling.

"What's with the grinning?" Teyla says, rubbing her right foot.

"I can't stop," Elizabeth says. "My face hurts, but I can't stop. I hate being nice all day."

Jenny continues to stare glassily at the passing cars.

*BOGO is "Buy One, Get One," the bane of shoe store employees everywhere.